My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
