i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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