Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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