Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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