On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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