if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
