Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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