Are we in a gay sports bar?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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