Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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