Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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