i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
