just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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