I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
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If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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