Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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