my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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