oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
