She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
