Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
