What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
