You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
