if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize