eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
