how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Bring me that man meat
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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