Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
honey bunches of taint.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
