apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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