after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
