EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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