i just made my gag reflex go away.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
