I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize