Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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