I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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