she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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