The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
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