it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
