I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
