so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
