is your mom at the bar?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
