Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
