omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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