What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
