he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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