Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
