dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We had to coat check the pizza.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
