you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
