I threw up into my coffee this morning.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
