I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
