the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
