Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
