ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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