I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
