Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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