I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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