My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
