omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
