Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
