hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
