She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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