Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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