i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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