Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
