I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
did i just pee glitter
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
