Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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