I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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